The Lie You’re Telling Yourself About No Contact and How to Break Free

When an addict finally gets clean and commits to sobriety, they don’t usually look back and wish they were drunk or high again and living their most destructive and painful life. The high is thrilling initially – but the long-term consequences are catastrophic. The high only provides temporary relief from whatever they were trying to escape in the first place.

It is the same with narcissistic abuse.

Going no contact with a narcissist is excruciating because it becomes not just an emotional addiction – but a physiological addiction within the body. The abuse cycle creates a toxic cocktail of chemicals the brain becomes dependent on, like any other addiction. You might have heard that ex-heroin addicts have said that trying to quit a narcissist was more difficult than trying to quit heroin.

So the addiction to a narcissist is a pretty serious one. Aside from the physiological dependency on having contact with this person, there are also deeper emotional reasons for staying attached to them. Some of the reasons I used to break no contact were:

• My curiosity got the better of me.
• I was still in a trance and not fully committed to doing the inner work.
• It felt safer to hold onto the narcissist than to let them go.
• I was looking for signs that they did love me and wanted me back.
• I felt like an addict at rock bottom who had given up on myself, life, and others.
• I wanted to know everything about the new supply.
• I couldn’t believe the narcissist had moved on when I thought what we had was special.
• I was focusing on the outside as a means of self-avoidance.
• I didn’t let go forever until I had enough of the pain.

It is the case for everybody still in contact with an abuser. We truly let go when we have had enough of the pain. 

When I finally committed to no contact, new experiences were able to enter my life. I started to grow by challenging myself, awakening spiritually, and aligning with my soul’s purpose. The narcissist became insignificant, and the more I stayed in no contact, the more I could never imagine going back.

I stopped outsourcing my sense of validation to the narcissist. 

I became stronger and stronger and realised it was an emotional and physiological addiction.

You must cut the narcissist off at the source by deleting all forms of possible contact. Detoxing and going through withdrawals is not easy, but the only thing you will regret about going no contact is not doing it sooner.

If you have not gone no contact, you are suffering from addiction. It happens when you are in it and do not know what is happening. It also happens when you are out of it knowing about narcissism. When you want to give something up but cannot – it is because you are addicted. Addiction is associated with shame and is fundamentally about avoiding painful emotions. If you stay addicted to something destroying you – you will continue to avoid those painful emotions.

Going no contact can be done cold turkey, slowly weaning yourself off the drug, or you can stay addicted forever. Cold turkey is hardcore but will give you the best results. Slowly weaning yourself off the addiction will cause you to stall in your healing process. Staying addicted forever will keep you sick in your mind, body, and soul.

When you can admit you are addicted to a narcissist, the power of shame can begin to lose its hold over you.

Being addicted to a narcissist is no different from being addicted to alcohol or drugs. Going no contact is the equivalent of checking into rehabilitation to restore some health and normality to your life. It is about attending to your inner world and breaking an addiction that was only ever about masking pain. People are in excruciating pain after being involved with a narcissist, but the truth is that they were also in deep pain before the narcissist came along.

When they came along and pretended to be your soulmate and everything you had ever wanted in a person – the pain went away for a short while until they began devaluing you. At that point, all your deepest fears, traumas, and insecurities began resurfacing. Narcissists are mirrors reflecting the most vulnerable parts within us.

The only way to cut the cord with someone you are emotionally, energetically, and psychically attached to is to decide to do so. It all starts and ends with you. It is not about the narcissist per se, as painful as it feels. It is an addiction masking inner pain that needs to be released. There is also a lot of betrayal trauma that needs processing because when somebody destroys and pillages your life – there are painful feelings of disbelief, injustice, and distrust in life and others.

If you have not committed to no contact with a narcissist yet, it is because you are afraid. You are scared of what you might find if you finally let go of what is destroying you and pay attention to yourself for the first time. When you let go of a narcissist, you are not just letting go of the dream of who they were – you are being faced head-on with everything that made you a match with them in the first place.

I used to believe, too, that I could not go no contact. It turns out that was just another lie I was telling myself. There is nothing special about people who heal from narcissistic abuse. You can be one of those people too. But it does require big decisions, a lot of courage, and doing the inner work because it is the only thing that can transform you. The narcissist does not – and did not – ever have the capability to be the things you wanted them to be.

When you won’t be no contact with a narcissist – it is just another lie you are telling yourself.

Going no contact is the first and foremost step in your recovery process. If you need support with it or guidance about what comes next – you can contact me here.