Whether you’re new to the subject of narcissistic abuse or you’ve been learning about it for a while, you might be wondering how to spot a narcissist. Spotting a narcissist is easy once you know the signs to look for. However, it will only work if the individual is ready to. I’ve talked before about the top 3 signs someone is a narcissist. It covers the three main signs among the hundreds of red flags. Yet that information without being prepared with the inner skills and understanding, will be useless. In this article, I will explain how to spot a narcissist by strengthening your inner self rather than relying solely on identifying red flags in the other. And let’s be honest, there’s no shortage of them. So, knowing the signs combined with your inner strength is the way to spot a narcissist, truly.

How to spot a narcissist: Recognising the signs is only the first step

It might come as a surprise for some. But knowing the signs of a narcissist won’t help you to spot a narcissist. You might be thinking: what do you mean? I’ve spent ages learning about the hundreds of red flags, and I absolutely would be able to identify a narcissist. I say, hold up! Let me explain. When people finally escape narcissistic abuse and disconnect from the dynamic, they go through a natural induction period of learning about the subject. Narcissistic abuse is a rather complex subject that can take years of thorough research to understand. Those once lost in the fog finally have the knowledge and tools to understand what happened to them and how to prevent it moving forward.

But here’s the catch — simply learning about narcissists will not stop you from involvement with one. It’s not just that narcissists present in numerous ways despite the core red flags. It’s more about where the survivor is on a subconscious level. Simply learning cognitive information about narcissists does not bypass the below-conscious mind, where the decisions about life and relationships happen. Rewiring the subconscious mind is a process that can take many years. Being armed with knowledge about the red flags of a narcissist won’t bridge the gap between the conscious and subconscious mind. It can be hard to grasp this until it happens. But many find it surprising when they meet another narcissist and don’t recognise it quickly enough.

Only through deep inner work can you truly spot a narcissist

That’s because the subconscious mind rewires only through deep inner work. This involves identifying past patterns and changing them by becoming more aware of them. It also includes developing your inner strength and resources, which I talk about often because survivors of narcissistic abuse have a gap of vulnerability, and this vulnerability heightens during the recovery phase. The lack of deep inner work despite the acquired knowledge, combined with a profound sense of vulnerability, creates this gap where narcissists can reappear in one’s life. The extent to which it happens can vary. Someone might go on a few dates with one, while some repeat the entire relationship pattern over again. It could even be a friendship or work colleague where a narcissistic individual blindsides them.

Beginning the journey of becoming present

To be able to spot a narcissist requires one to embark upon the process of becoming present. Presence is something we all struggle with to some degree because most people are distracted by the busyness of daily life. However, for survivors of narcissistic abuse, this is taken to another level. The dissociation that occurs for survivors of CPTSD can cause a profound sense of disconnection from oneself. It causes one to be on autopilot in a way that makes it easy for narcissists to enter one’s life and negate any information learned about how to spot a narcissist. Becoming more present involves becoming more conscious of our thoughts, emotions, and patterns.

Presence helps you to spot narcissists because it allows you to slow down and check in with your inner being. When people fall into another situation with a narcissist again, it’s because they’re not being present in a way that enables them to identify the signs. One can have all the information they’ve learned on the internet, yet when they face the situation in real life, it all goes out the window. Because they’re swept up in the moment, unaware of the importance of presence and slowing down.

The truth resides within the intuition

In my free ebook, “Healing Through Conscious Awareness,” I explain intuition. Connecting with intuition is a process of continuously tuning in. The connection to intuition is a critical piece in being present enough to be able to spot narcissists. Sometimes, intuition is all you’ll have when you first meet someone for the very first time. Not all narcissists are overtly abusive in the initial meeting, and some rely on a more polished facade. Therefore, intuition can bypass the information that isn’t readily available yet to determine whether the person is safe. The truth lies within the intuition. That is the true key to spotting narcissists. But not just narcissists, anyone who isn’t on the same wavelength as you. The art of intuition is a powerful and fascinating revealer of truth. However, it does take practice and experience to appreciate intuition and follow it without question.

Connecting with and trusting your intuition is a continual process of learning to feel and trust the
sensations in your body. To be fully present and pay attention to the feelings inside you.

Natalie daly

Understanding the different ways narcissists present themselves

Perhaps you’ve spent months and even years learning about all the narcissist red flags. But something you might not know yet is that narcissists present themselves in various ways. There are many different types of narcissists covering a wide range of categories and behaviours. While the core red flags will always be present, how they manifest can have variations. And for the hundreds of other red flags — some will be present while others will not. For example, some narcissists will insult someone on a first date, while others won’t. Some narcissists will love-bomb in an intense, needy, and over-the-top manner, while others will do it in a more controlled, underhanded, and flattering fashion. Some narcissists will barely put any effort into love bombing, but the possessiveness remains.

A narcissist might not use direct insults but devalue in other ways. Some will control what their partner wears while others don’t and control them more covertly. The point is that while the core red flags of all narcissists remain, the presence and manifestation of behaviours can vary widely. Sometimes, people will experience a specific type of narcissist and then be looking for identical behaviours in someone else. But because of the variations in behaviours, someone else can still be a narcissist but it’s manifesting differently so won’t feel the same. The differences in gender and personality, to the extent that a narcissist’s personality exists, can also create variations.

The power to spot a narcissist lies within you

We all know the saying “knowledge is power” and it is particularly true for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Every single person who suffers narcissistic abuse is bound by their lack of knowledge. Knowledge is the key that unlocks the door because, until that point, one doesn’t have the framework to contextualise what has happened. While knowledge is power, the real power lies within you to spot a narcissist. One must rewire the subconscious mind, develop inner strength, and gain foundational self-awareness and conscious awareness. While it may sound as simple as gathering knowledge, it’s actually quite a complex journey of inner healing and self-awareness. Only once somebody goes through the process can they successfully recognise and protect themselves from abusers.

The power to spot a narcissist lies within you. It’s not within hundreds of YouTube videos and books about narcissism that will do it. Though helpful to a certain degree, these will only help you so far once faced with real-life scenarios. That is when the true test of your knowledge and connection to self comes into question. It’s all about sharpening your toolbox so that you can recognise the narcissist’s red flags promptly and have the strength and self-assurance to walk away. That is where the true power lies; not out there but inside you.

If you’ve found this article useful and want more more insights, download my free ebook. Know someone who fears being deceived by a narcissist? Share this article with them. For personalised support, my inbox is always open for session bookings and enquiries. Stay connected with regular content and inspiration on Instagram @beyondtheillusion.co