How to Build Self-Worth After Abuse: The 4 Steps to Reclaim You
The damaging effects of narcissistic abuse can leave one’s self-worth in pieces on the floor. You feel like you’ve lost your sense of self and self-identity, questioning who you are and why you deserved this. You may suffer from a negative internal dialogue, lack self-belief, and make poor choices that reflect your low self-worth. The relentless devaluation by a narcissist causes you to accept this reality as the truth about yourself. But remember, it is not who you are but a reflection of the narcissist. As someone who suffered these damaging effects myself and turned it around, I know what it takes to build self-worth after abuse. Keep reading to discover the four steps to reclaiming yourself after narcissistic abuse.
Step #1 to build self-worth after abuse: Cut ties with toxic and abusive people
Cutting ties with toxic and abusive people is the crucial first step toward building self-worth after abuse. While it may seem straightforward, many survivors get stuck at this stage. It’s one of those tasks that is easier said than done, yet it is essential for making a full recovery from narcissistic abuse. Too often, people remain stuck in the cycle. They continue to engage with negative people who are the cause of their low self-worth to begin with. The low self-worth doesn’t come from within; it comes from an external source. Therefore, one must cut all ties with toxic and abusive people to begin the process of how to build self-worth after abuse. By missing this crucial step, you will not go far because the reflection of the abuser will always remain on you.
Staying connected to toxic and abusive people includes allowing them in your life and engaging with others who support them. It can also involve checking their social media and staying energetically tethered to them through your thoughts. Committing to no-contact is the first crucial step to recovery because it creates a safe environment in which you can heal. Continuing to engage keeps your self-worth low. The narratives and toxic energy from negative people effects your entire being. You can learn everything about narcissists and even attempt to heal, but if you keep breaking no contact, all your efforts are in vain. When you feel you cannot set the boundary of no contact with a narcissist – it is just another lie you are telling yourself. You can go no contact, and you absolutely will, if you are serious about healing from narcissistic abuse.
Step #2: Take time out for yourself
The second step is taking time out for yourself, which refers to dating and romantic relationships. It is necessary to refrain from dating for a considerable amount of time after narcissistic abuse. It is one of the most effective ways to heal from the damage and to build self-worth after abuse. Taking time out prevents you from falling into a toxic situation again. One might tell themselves it won’t happen again. However, the reality is that until you take time out to build self-worth over time, choices are subconscious. You might tell yourself you wouldn’t give a toxic or abusive person a chance. But the truth might surprise you with a heightened vulnerability and low self-worth. Therefore, taking time out for yourself gives you the extended time it takes to build a solid sense of self-worth.
I advise you to refrain from dating for years after enduring narcissistic abuse. It is rare for an individual to reverse these subconscious patterns in a short time frame and generally does take this long for dating again to become safe. Without taking this considerable amount of time for oneself, there is a higher risk of getting involved with another toxic or abusive person. Remember that narcissists do not reveal the full extent of their character in the beginning. Without adequate time to strengthen one’s intuition, boundary, and discernment skills, it leaves room for the subconscious to make poor choices. Don’t put yourself at risk; be patient and take this necessary time out to cultivate a strong sense of self. When it is safe to date again, you will have developed the inner resources to protect yourself.
Step #3 to building self-worth after abuse: Intercepting the negative internal dialogue
The third step is intercepting the negative internal dialogue created by the abuse, which is at the core of low self-worth. During narcissistic abuse, the abuser installs their self-loathing into your subconscious mind, like installing a computer program that runs how you feel about yourself. The subconscious mind controls 95% of your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and behaviours, forming your perception of reality and determining the outcome of your life.
The core message from every abuser is that you are worthless and undeserving. As a result, you might be devoid of hope, faith, passion, confidence, or life force. You may self-sabotage, have no belief in yourself, and have a negative internal dialogue. This happens because you are still carrying all the self-loathing and distorted perceptions the abuser has projected on you. People become so accustomed to such a reality that they do not even realise they are living it. The initial step in initiating change is recognising the reality of the situation. It’s crucial to acknowledge that the self-loathing program permeates every facet of your existence. Subsequently, actively replacing negative programming with positive thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and behaviours becomes paramount.
By intercepting and halting negative thoughts, you effectively reframe the damaging influence left by the abuser. This process involves disconnecting your perception of self from the projections of abusers so that their self-loathing no longer controls how you view yourself. True self-worth develops through consistent action over time, signalling to your subconscious mind that you are worthy. Building self-worth is one of the trickiest parts of narcissistic abuse. However, if you keep examining yourself, your life, and the world, you will progress.
Step #4: Speak to your subconscious through action
The final step is to embrace that building self-worth after abuse isn’t about standing in the mirror and repeating affirmations. It is about speaking to your subconscious through action. You can tell yourself you love yourself, but if you don’t genuinely feel it, it will never have any significance. The way to build up self-worth after abuse is to take consistent, positive actions that tell your subconscious mind you are worthy. As you begin take the steps outlined here, you will be well on your way to building self-worth. It is through consistent, positive action that you uncover your inherent worth and begin to naturally reject abusive people.
It isn’t an overnight process, but the more you implement it, the more you will upgrade your subconscious programming to one that supports you. Your updated subconscious programming will begin to reflect the self-respect and self-worth you have cultivated within. From that point on, your choices are healthy and solid because you have cleared out all the faulty subconscious programming in your system formed by abuse.
Healthy and solid decisions look like not allowing abusive people in your life and setting boundaries. It means following your intuition boldly and unwaveringly. It involves discernment and examining the true character of someone before making assumptions. To not settle for less and to know what you want in life. Otherwise, you fall prey to the agenda of someone who may not have the best intentions. But when you reclaim your self-worth and self-identity, you have the internal strength to navigate through life and make choices that benefit you.
Don’t forget: Building self-worth after abuse is a process
As effective as the steps outlined here will be, please remember that this is a process that takes time. One does not escape narcissistic abuse and immediately transform in a short period of time. Typically, the low self-worth will have existed prior to meeting a narcissist. It is what such a predator can instinctively recognise. Healing from narcissistic abuse involves undoing the damage from years of toxic and abusive situations that have been embedded deeply in the subconscious mind. For more insights into the process, read my article on rebuilding self-worth and identity.
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