Narcissist Friends Signs: The Ultimate Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
The most popular post I’ve ever written on Instagram was about narcissistic friends being the ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing. This post went viral, which points to how common this issue is. It indicates how much people relate to the experience of narcissistic abuse in the context of a friendship. I’ve written before about how narcissistic friends are harder to spot. Narcissist friends signs can sneak up on you before you realise what’s happening. Nevertheless, narcissist friends can be just as volatile and destructive as a romantic partner who is a narcissist.
Therefore, there needs to be more awareness and understanding of the narcissist-friend dynamic. Having been through this a few times with different types of narcissists, I have been able to identify a predictable pattern that emerges in the narcissist-friend dynamic. In this article, I will explain how these sly individuals are the ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing and how to spot the sign of a narcissistic friend.
Narcissist Friends Signs #1: Love bombing by using flattery
Narcissist friends are sly because they use flattery as a means of control. It is their way of love bombing in the context of a friendship and getting their target under control. A friendship with a narcissist will move quite quickly, just like a romantic relationship with a narcissist does. It is because this is how narcissists operate across the board. There will be that familiar “soulmate” feeling, where you click with this person so well and just hit it off. The narcissist friend will come on strong as your best buddy. It will happen so fast that you won’t even get to slow down to get to know them.
They use flattery as a weapon of control, pumping you up as this amazing person they get along with fantastically and love hanging out with. They will compliment you, like all your social media photos, and rapidly become a part of your inner circle. By coming on strong and securing you as one of their best pals, they can make you a source of narcissistic supply before they start devaluing you and icing you out. By conditioning you through flattery as a means of love bombing, it is easier for them to control you. As they begin devaluing you, you will feel confused, unbalanced, and unable to stand up for yourself.
Narcissist Friends Signs #2: Ghosting and icing you out
Due to the platonic narcissistic friendship, the mask can stay on longer than it does with a romantic narcissist. It makes the process of devaluation by a narcissistic friend even more confusing because it creeps up on you, and you don’t realise what’s happening. For quite a while, it seemed like everything was so great, and you were getting on like a house on fire. The red flags are subtle with a narcissist friend, so it is not so clear what you’re dealing with. It is easy enough to miss the narcissist red flags in these scenarios and become bewildered when the mask eventually drops.
Nevertheless, like with all narcissists, the devaluation process will begin to set in stone. Gradually, they will start losing interest in you and acting aloof and uninterested. You will hear from them less, and they will likely have a new best friend or a new group of friends who they start triangulating you with. They will make you feel unwelcome and like a burden to them. You will feel them drifting away but be bewildered about why this is happening. Since the narcissist friend has already positioned themselves as the “soulmate” friend, your best buddy, they can now control you through abusive behaviours because they have you as their prey.
Narcissist Friends Signs #3: Unwilling to return favours
Due to the entitlement of a narcissist, they will expect you to drop everything for them and be there for them in a time of need. This is particularly true for the narcissist friend. Perhaps they ask you for money or need a place to stay, and you are either happy to help them out or feel pressured into their demands. Most victims of narcissism tend to be caring, giving people. It is often the narcissist and empath combination that we see in romantic entanglements. The narcissist will have a sixth sense that you don’t have boundaries, and they will use this to their advantage to manipulate you.
However, when the chips are down for you, they are nowhere to be found. Or they will begrudgingly help you and resent you for it. It can be shocking when you have been helpful and generous to them. They will make you feel like a nuisance for expecting them to do the same. They have no emotional empathy and only do things for others when it benefits them and their facade. That is why they will use the line “after everything I’ve done for you” when they start smearing and attacking you. Their favours were only a manipulation to use later to gaslight you.
Narcissist Friends Signs #4: Triangulating you with others
Triangulation is a weapon of a narcissist, and that includes a friend who is a narcissist, too. The narcissist friend will triangulate with another best friend or a new group of friends. Triangulation typically occurs early on and progresses as devaluations set in. The narcissist friend might compare you to another friend they have fallen out with. During devaluation, they will triangulate you with other people. They enjoy making you feel cast aside and left out because you were once part of their inner circle but no longer are. It is narcissistic supply for them because it makes them feel powerful and in control.
Triangulation is one of the hallmarks of a narcissist. It is used as a manipulation tool because it makes you feel devalued and unworthy. However, triangulation can only affect you when you are unaware of their tricks and take their behaviour personally. The narcissist is a deeply insecure person, and this is just another way for them to feel above others. By ghosting and icing you out while they move on to new people, they get an emotional feed from hurting you.
Narcissist Friends Signs #5: Smearing, gaslighting, and projection
As with all narcissists, the devaluation by a narcissist friend will increase in intensity. The mask will begin to drop, and you will see glimpses of their true character. It will happen gradually until the mask completely drops, and they will be actively against you. Perhaps you are in close quarters travelling or living with them, and they reveal their true colours. Or there is a special event they ruin when the nastiness comes out. When you’ve been nothing but good to this friend, it can be a horrible experience. However, this is the nature of narcissistic abuse. It doesn’t matter how nice you are to a narcissist. They will eventually engage in these abusive behaviours.
Smearing will happen when they disengage from you to protect their reputation and control how others view things. By smearing you to others, they also gaslight you by making you feel at fault. They will twist and invert all the facts and project their behaviour onto you. Gaslighting is one of the weapons of a narcissist designed to distort the target’s reality. It is a form of crazy-making behaviour which dissolves the narcissist of any accountability in their mind. That is why taking control of your perception of reality is critical in narcissistic abuse recovery. Otherwise, you fall victim to the narcissist’s manipulation. The only way to deal with a narcissistic friend who smears and gaslights is to ignore it and become aware of their narcissism.
#6: Hoovering
Like with all narcissists, the narcissist friend will eventually hoover you after some time has passed. Hoovering is where they contact you somehow to get your attention. They might like or comment on a social media post, send a friend request or text message. You might even bump into them in real life, and they will gush over you like nothing ever happened. One of the baffling things about narcissists is how they compartmentalise things in their minds. They were once smearing you and telling you how awful you are, but now they are acting friendly and trying to get your attention. Simply put, this is another manipulation tactic of a narcissist.
Hoovering is all about sucking you back into the abuse cycle to abuse you all over again. If you don’t have a grip on your perception and reality and boundaries in place, you might end up falling for the narcissist’s antics. That is why one must be in no-contact with a narcissist by severing all ties and communication. By not blocking the narcissist on social media and phone, you are leaving a door open for them to walk through. If the door is open, they will walk through it. It can happen even years later if you don’t have boundaries.
The takeaway lesson from the narcissist friend
The takeaway lesson from such a horrible life experience with a narcissistic friend is to be vigilant about who you let into your life. Narcissist friends are no different from romantic narcissists in that they swoop in when you’re feeling vulnerable. They will have a sixth sense when someone is vulnerable and doesn’t have boundaries. That is why all the signs mentioned here work so well on the target of a narcissistic friend. Through lack of awareness, vulnerabilities, and no boundary function, the narcissist friend controls and manipulates with great ease. However, when we become aware of their antics and strengthen our inner selves, the narcissist friend becomes powerless.
Be careful about who you let into your life, and don’t consider anyone part of your inner circle until they have proved themselves worthy. It takes time to get to know someone’s true character and the same goes for friendships. People can appear entirely different on the surface from who they are. Remember, the narcissist friend is an ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing.
If you need support regarding a narcissistic friend or want to enhance your self-awareness, book a session and follow me on Instagram at beyondtheillusion.co for more insight and inspiration.
