Narcissist Red Flags: The Top 3 Signs Someone Is a Narcissist

It is necessary to know the top 3 narcissist red flags because there are so many narcissists in the world. The greatest myth surrounding narcissists is that only 1% of the population have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This myth is perpetuated by the psychology profession, leading people to believe that narcissism is a rare trait in people. But nothing could be further from the truth. One of the first posts I ever wrote was that 1 in 7 people are a narcissist. That was a few years ago, and it was estimated to be 1 in 6 or 1 in 7.

These are still estimates today, but in my personal opinion, I believe it to be more like 1 in 4. This statistic comes from my own experience, the sheer volume of people experiencing narcissistic abuse, and domestic violence statistics, which happen to reveal some startling truths. Domestic violence statistics indicate that 1 in 4 men and 1 in 3 women have experienced psychological or physical abuse by an intimate partner.

What is often misunderstood or missing regarding domestic violence education is that individuals who engage in these behaviours like coercive control are invariably narcissists. Not every single case of abuse will be related to narcissism, but it is safe to say that the majority of them are. Due to how many narcissists exist in the world, it is more important than ever to recognise narcissist red flags, so you can identify these individuals promptly and act accordingly. There are hundreds of red flags to look out for, which can be overwhelming. So, I have narrowed down the most prominent top 3 narcissist red flags that all types of narcissists will inevitably display.

Narcissist red flag #1: Monopolising your time

The number one red flag of a narcissist is monopolising your time. Narcissists will inevitably consume a lot of your time. However, this number one narcissist red flag is often mistaken for somebody just being interested in you. What seems innocent and friendly by taking a keen interest in you is an early warning sign of abuse that needs to be detected. I’ve mentioned before that detecting early warning signs is the most effective means of prevention.

Monopolising your time can look like an excessive amount of texting and calling, an urgency to meet you for the first time, wanting to hang out right after you already have been, and wanting to know your whereabouts when you don’t respond immediately. Remember, red flags start subtly and progress into more sinister forms of controlling behaviours. What seems like innocent calls and texts demanding your attention turns into full-blown coercive control. That’s if these early warning signs of narcissist red flags go undetected.

Why do narcissists seek to monopolise your time?

So, why do narcissists seek to monopolise your time? There are three reasons for this. The first is what narcissistic abuse is fundamentally about – control. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder need to control others at all times, whether that is through love bombing, which includes excessive attention and admiration, or whether that is through devaluation and overtly abusive behaviours. The second reason is a sense of entitlement. One of the core traits of narcissism is a sense of entitlement, which includes a complete disregard for others’ needs and desires above one’s own. Narcissists feel fundamentally entitled to your devoted time and attention.

The third reason is their lack of understanding of boundaries. Poor boundary recognition motivates them to engage in behaviours that are unhealthy, intrusive, and blur the line between you and the narcissist. They have no concept of healthy courtship, causing them to engage in inappropriate, needy, obsessive behaviours. It is not allowing the other to have their own personal space, boundaries, and wishes.

Narcissist Red flag #2: Bringing an ex into the picture early on

Narcissists will inevitably bring an ex into the picture early on. It might be on a first date, or it might be on a second date. At some point in those early days, they will mention an ex. Usually, the narcissist will frame the ex as crazy and impossible to be with. They will portray themselves as the victim in the relationship, completely inverting the truth about the situation. What usually happens is that the ex is the victim of this particular narcissist, just like you will be if you don’t spot these early warning signs of narcissism and heed them.

It is all too easy for a narcissist to call an ex crazy, portray themselves as a victim, and seek sympathy while telling the story. If somebody brings an ex into the picture early upon meeting them, this needs to be like an internal alarm to spot the manipulation. This person is smearing their ex and distorting the narrative to suit their agenda. In a healthy courtship, people don’t drag the past up to elicit sympathy and portray themselves as victims. They leave the past where it is – in the past, until you know that person on a deeper level.

Triangulation is a weapon of the narcissist

There are some narcissists, usually the victim narcissists, who will not necessarily call the ex crazy. Instead, they will have a sob story about how heartbroken they are. It usually happens on the rarer times when a victim of a narcissist dumps them, rather than the narcissist discarding the victim. The sob story seeks empathy and sympathy for the narcissist, which is what the victim narcissist thrives on. It is also used as a form of triangulation, as is the narcissist who smears their ex and calls them crazy. Triangulation is the weapon of a narcissist, whereby they use a third party, commonly an ex, to create competition and drama that feeds the narcissist’s ego.

Bringing an ex into the picture early on causes a drama triangle and brings the new victim into a story they have not asked to be in. Again, this comes down to the lack of boundaries narcissists have. They don’t understand the inappropriateness of their behaviours. They have no respect for the person or people they have been in a relationship with.

Narcissist Red flag #3: Use of the words soulmate, amazing, special, or perfect

It is uncanny how all narcissists will use the following words: soulmate, amazing, special, or perfect. I’ve not met a narcissist who didn’t use at least two out of these four words. If you’ve just met someone and they use any of these words, all I can say is run for the hills because chances are you’re dealing with a narcissist. Again, this all comes down to the need to gain control and poor boundary recognition. Narcissists will use these words not long after meeting someone, and while they do it to control through love bombing, the reality is that they don’t even know you. They know nothing about you or your character to understand that you are any of these things, which also magnifies another narcissist trait – superficiality.

The thing about narcissists is that many of them believe what they say. They do think you are these things in the beginning because narcissists create a snapshot of someone, project a fantasy, and idealise them in their mind. The unaware narcissist will believe you are perfect and the one for them. However, as pointed out in Narcissist Red Flag #2, it won’t always stay that way.

How they treat their ex is how they will treat you

You only need to look at the way a narcissist talks about their ex to know that they will one day talk about you that way, too. It is because of the black-and-white thinking narcissists display, whereby people are all good or all bad. Whether you are all good or all bad depends on where you are at in the narcissistic abuse cycle. If a narcissist just meets you and uses these words, they are love bombing and idealising you. But fast forward a few months or years, and they will be devaluing you through smearing.

You will no longer be the soulmate, amazing, special, or perfect person they once called you. It is a classic narcissist red flag and is not something you should fall for. If you hear these words: soulmate, amazing, special, or perfect when you meet someone, your internal alarm needs to start sounding off. There is a high chance you’re dealing with a narcissist.

Protect yourself against the many narcissists in the world

It is an undeniable truth that there are many narcissists in the world. If it is 1 in 4, that is an astronomical amount. Even if it is 1 in 6 or 1 in 7, that is still an enormous number of narcissists reaching into one billion. Hundreds of millions of people are online seeking information about narcissistic abuse, which points to the prolificness of the issue. Since people with Narcissistic Personality are highly resistant to change, the problem is going to persist forever. Therefore, the only way to protect yourself against narcissists is to be able to identify them and then incorporate the appropriate coping measures.

That is why recognising these three main narcissist red flags is the knowledge you can weaponise. When meeting someone new, there are potentially hundreds of red flags one could be on the lookout for. However, these narrow it down to the main three that are consistent with all narcissists in a romantic setting. These are monopolising your time, bringing an ex into the picture early on, and using the words soulmate, amazing, special, or perfect. Don’t ignore these early warning signs, no matter how subtle. What starts subtly and seemingly innocently will grow into an uncontrollable, sinister web of psychological manipulation. That is why it’s necessary to spot these three narcissist red flags and heed them.

If you’re seeking deeper support for narcissistic abuse recovery, feel free to book a session with me. You can schedule your session here. For ongoing inspiration, follow me on Instagram @beyondtheillusion.co to discover wisdom, truth, and inner power through conscious awareness.