The Narcissist Friend is Harder to Spot
The narcissist friend is harder to spot. It is possible to be friends with a narcissist for years and not even realise it. Having been through this a few times with different types of narcissists and hearing from other experiences – a pattern emerges in such a dynamic. Yet some reasons make it harder to spot due to being a platonic relationship.
The mask can stay on longer because of less intensity and entanglement due to seeing this person casually. You likely do not live with them and catch up once or a handful of times a week. If you do, though, then the process will speed up exponentially. The close quarters of living or travelling with a narcissistic friend will reveal their abusive ways quicker.
It is important to note that when people think of abuse – it is not typically associated with friendship. We have been educated predominantly about abuse in romantic relationships, but a broader view of narcissistic abuse as a familial, social, and societal issue has had less attention. The psychological trauma of a narcissistic friend can be just as damaging as you go through the cycle of abuse with someone who you thought was a loyal friend.
When it is a female friendship, the signs can be even harder to spot because female narcissists are more well-disguised, making it easy to fall into this abusive dynamic.
The narcissist friend will still love bomb their targets, but it can easily be mistaken for just hitting it off with someone. They use a lot of flattery as a means of control which is the first narcissistic red flag. During the idealisation phase, they tell you how amazing you are and how much they love hanging around you. It is easy to miss because they appear supportive, caring, and generous. They pretend they want the best for you and are your biggest cheerleader. Like in an abusive romantic relationship, there will be that familiar feeling of them being a soulmate friend who gets you.
The narcissist friend can be fun to hang around and charming initially, so it won’t be clear that they are an abuser. They’ll create a false sense of support – seeming like a shoulder to cry on and someone you can rely on to be there for you. The friendship will seem like a jolly good time and nothing alarming.
The love bombing stage lasts longer than a romantic one does. It typically spans from a few to six months in an abusive relationship, but in an abusive friendship, it can last a year to eighteen months before the mask starts slipping. Because there is less repeated interaction with a narcissist friend, the speed at which their true colours reveal themselves is slower than a romantic entanglement.
As time goes by, you will begin to sense a coldness from them. They will start withdrawing their attention from you. They will ghost on plans and act aloof and uninterested. You will be there for them in a time of need, but when the chips are down for you – they are nowhere to be found. Or they will reluctantly help you out and resent you for it. Because of their sense of entitlement and lack of emotional empathy, the narcissist friend is more than happy to take favours from you, but they are never willing to return it.
Due to their superficiality and grandiosity, narcissistic friends aim to seek out people who will better serve their needs and boost their social status. They will triangulate with a new source of supply and get satisfaction from hurting you. Once they have no use for you anymore, they will ghost you and pretend you never existed to them. The final discard will be brutal and shocking because you will not see it coming.
When the mask drops, it completely throws you off balance. Feeling off balance gives the narcissist more power to use the discard as emotional leverage and make you feel defenceless against the smear campaign.
They will launch a vicious smear campaign to slander your reputation and get their flying monkeys to do the same. They will make false accusations. They will gaslight you by twisting everything around. They might give you death stares, send abusive texts, use the “after everything I’ve done for you” line, and block you on social media. Reactive abuse can happen in a narcissistically abusive friendship, too, where they abuse you to the point where you snap and speak the truth about who this person is. But instead of reflecting on their behaviour, they will jump at the opportunity to call you the selfish person while they pat themselves on the back.
After some time, they will then contact you like nothing ever happened. They will hoover out of the blue years later via social media. It might be a text or liking a social media post to get your attention. Or you will bump into them one day, and they will be nice and gushing over you. A lack of boundaries on your part means they will try to hook you back into the cycle to abuse you all over again.
The same no contact rule applies to narcissistic friends. Delete and block them forever.
Narcissistic friends are the ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing. The viciousness and soullessness of these individuals in the context of a friendship can be a chilling and disturbing experience. They dishonour the meaning of friendship and are the very definition of what it means to be a fake friend. Even more shockingly, friends you thought were loyal and had your back can end up supporting the narcissist. It becomes an opportunity to see who your real friends are.
After experiencing a narcissistically abusive friendship, you might have taken on their perception that you deserved such treatment. The goal of every abuser is to make you feel like everything is your fault. The core message is always that you are worthless and undeserving. When you change your perception of self and your perception of the narcissist, you realise the truth that everything they accused you of is what they are themselves. You were just a dumping ground for their inner pain and hatred – a sponge that absorbed all their negative emotions.
But when you have not yet accepted that someone is a narcissist and what that means, they will always have the upper hand over you. Non-disordered people do not brutally discard someone or ghost them for long periods. Ghosting means you will be vulnerable to hoovers, even years later, and be grateful when they give you breadcrumbs of attention.
Only in hindsight and education about Narcissistic Personality Disorder do you see all the subtle red flags you ignored along the way. It all comes down to connecting with intuition and closing the gap of vulnerability. That means listening to your gut feeling about someone and tuning in when something they say or do feels off. Plus not keep the door open so these parasites can continue to abuse you.
The life lesson from such an experience is to learn to be vigilant about who you let into your life. The narcissist friend will swoop in when you’re feeling vulnerable, just like in a romantic relationship, and have a sixth sense about you being an easy target. It will all happen so fast without taking the time to assess their true motives and character.
How they treat you, in the end, is who they really are.
If you need help recovering from a narcissist friend, book a one-to one-counselling session here or get in touch via email at [email protected]
